I’ve spend the last week by watching the complete first season of Shugo Chara. First I gotta say I love that series, it’s brilliant. And I really enjoy the message it’s trying to send out ”Always believe in yourself and your dream”. I know it’s a pretty old cliche overall, especially in shojo-series, but I love the way Shugo Chara wraps it in. I love how the main characters in the series has in general one outside character and one character which are the real them (Represented by the Shugo Chara). It’s like they’re afraid to not fit in if they act like the real them or doesn’t have the confidence to act like themself. This really got me to start think. What if it had been like that in real life. That people had Shugo Chara’s that represented the real them that they hide deep inside themself. I wonder what my Shugo Chara would have been like then?
It would probably end up like a chara that wasn’t afraid to speak up at all, and just could live at 100% and never care about how people would look at you. Almost like how Amu’s ”Outside character” is, if you look away from the fact that that side of her don’t have any friends. The truth is Amu’s other side is probably as far from me that you’ll ever come. Which is really sad, ’cause I’d love to really be able to tell people what I really ment, thinks and feel instead of just nod and follow the stream like I’ve done most of the time. But I’m seriously afraid to speak up, I’m afraid to tell people what I mean, and I’m generally scared of not being accepted by people.
The last weeks has not been easy for me, and even though my last joy entries had a happy-sounding-feeling, well then that has not been how I’ve really felt. I don’t know what have happend to me, but I just don’t feel any joy in life anymore. Okay, that sounds really depressing, but it’s true. I’ll start at the begining so people won’t think the worst.
I started at my new school in August, and I was so ready to start all scratch again, and make lots of new friend and meet lots of new people. Basicly, I was topmotivated for a new year and did smile most of the time. You probably remember the post I wrote once in september ”The fact” where I wrote that I was so happy with my new school and that most of my classmates was almost like me, and I felt like life just was moving forward. One month after that post is the situation completely different. Of course I’ve gotten to know people, some of them pretty good too, but not in the way I’d hope I did. We do still have the same gang as we did then, and we’re still eating together in the breaks and stuff, but right now..*Sigh* Well, I feel like I’m more like a burden to them than a equal friend. Than I’m like a big package they gotta move around and that it’s gotta be with them no matter what. I have no idea when this happend, if there is anything I’ve said or done or something. Though it would not suprise me, ’cause I can say and do the stranges things. My only real friend (We’ve been like friend since 2nd grade) often tells me to stop and such, beacuse she actually gets embaressed by me. I mean what do I do wrong? I’m just trying to be myself, but that does obiously not work. Do I have a really strange character that nobody but myself have. I’ve tried to fit in many times too, but I don’t feel confortable with that either. It just ends up with a dead silence, since I don’t know what to talk about..
I really don’t know what to do now, it’s feel like that no one accepts as me as me. *Sigh*
These things makes me unmotivated to do anything else than to be on my own, and not even things I used to do alone is fun anymore. I don’t enjoy singing, fandubing is not funny anymore, not even to chat on the net, because I’m so afraid that I might say something wrong or that I won’t find anything to talk about. Right now do I even consider to not attend ”Desucon”, a norwegian con for anime/manga/japan-fans this Saturday. After all will I travel there all by myself, what if I don’t find anyone there to talk to and will just end up by walking around like a complete idiot all day. Which is a situation that probably would happend, since i’m also a person that never really takes contact with people I don’t know though to the reasons I’ve written above.
I hope these feeling I have now is just a certain phase I’m going through and that I hopefully will find my place at school and in the world (That sounded so grown up ._.) Right now I just feel like a completely jurk that spills my feeling around on the internet, I need to pull myself together now and stop. The only thing I really want is to show the real me. Where is my Shugo Chara now, when I really need her?
